At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a "KISS" before you begin your speech."
The speaker smiled and explained, "You don"t know my wife. The "KISS" she give me stands for "Keep It Short, Stupid.""
2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you"re stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you"re stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma"am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
3.a great man
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great
man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
4Two Cute dogs
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does
your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
6.Policeman: Why didn"t you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they"d have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
7.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It"s all right," said a gentleman, "don"t be afraid. Don"t you know the proverb: Barking dogs don"t bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
8.Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door：“Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today．” A student，after reading the notice，rubbed out the“c”． Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the“l”．
格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。” 一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”。 后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”。
9.No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother． A friend gave him advice． “Find a girl just like your mother—then she"s bound to like her． So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl．He told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother．And just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened？” “Nothing，”said the young man．“My father hates her！”
无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说： “找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。” 于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。 正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。” “那后来呢？”朋友问。 “没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”
10 The Same Service
.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor． “When I was first married，I was very happy． I"d come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers．Now everything"s changed．When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me．” “I don"t know what you"re complaining about，”said the counselor．“You"re still getting the same service．”
11.A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don"t you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.
"Yes, sir," replied the driver.
"Then why didn"t you pull over immediately?"
"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.
12.Workman：“Mr. Brown，I should like to ask for a small rise in my wages． I have just been married．” Employer：“Very sorry，my dear man， but I can"t help you． For accidents which happen to our workmen outside the factory, we are not responsible．”
13.Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this． One evening he had invited several friends to dinner， and while they were sitting at the table， one of the friends told a funny story． Everyone laughed， and Sir William， who had laughed as loud as anyone， said，“That was a very funny joke， but I know a funnier one． Would you like to hear it？” They all said they would， so Sir William began his story． When it ended， everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily． But he didn"t know the reason for their laughter． He had told the very same story that his friend had just told．
威廉·汤普森爵士非常聋，但他却不愿意让别人知道这 件事，一天晚上，他邀请了几位朋友吃饭。在就餐的时候，一 位朋友讲了个有趣的故事，大都笑了，汤普森也和别人一 样放声大笑，他说：“这是个十分有趣的笑话，但是我还知道 一个更有趣的笑话，你们愿意听吗？”朋友们都说愿意听。于 是，汤普森开始讲他的故事。当故事讲完时，大家笑得比方才 还厉害，汤普森的脸上露出了欣慰的笑容。但他却不知道别 人发笑的原因。原来，他讲的正是方才那位朋友讲的故事。
14.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It"s no use, my little dog can"t read.
1. As new students at a university in Boston, many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for class. One professor, however, was particularly intolerant of tardiness, making it clear that no excuse would be acceptable. So when a student stumbled into his class one morning late, we expected the worst.
Obvious upset, the professor demanded the reason for the student’s tardiness. “ I was waiting on line to buy your new textbook, “ she replied nervously. Gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked, “Well, why weren’t the rest of you late?”